Thursday, 4 February 2016

They've Gone

Let laughter be the light in all this
dark and sadness.
The pilot announced that we had landed at Boston Logan and I cried.

Cried because it was really real that Dad was no longer here. And he was always there. Each time I left for the US he would give me money for the taxi (no arguments) and he'd send me off with a smile and a 'call me when you get there'. I got 'there' and he wasn't there for me to call.

How do I feel now that both Mum and Dad have knocked on the pearly gates? Lost, empty, grateful. When I say 'grateful' I simply mean all that they did for me; providing a warm, loving home, an education, teaching right from wrong.

I know many will say with kindness and good intention that I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter. And I'm not unappreciative of what is mine - a roof over my head and food on the table - it's a lot more than some have; but the fact of the matter is, they/it won't replace my parents. There is a void in my heart that no-one can fill.

I know many have lost their parents, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. However, I feel a particular wrench because it's only been two years since Mum passed away. I was more accepting of Dad's passing, especially when the consultant said "we'll see how he is over the next 48hours." I acknowledged the statement as he wasn't expecting Dad to last much longer.

As I emptied the house of their clothes, mementos, paperwork (oh Lord the paperwork), the home that I grew up in, quickly became a house. I shed tears as I locked the front door as I remembered when I left the UK back in November, I looked at Dad from the car. He sat in his chair and was smiling. And the thought fleeted through my mind, it was the last time I would be seeing him.

So there it is, they've gone. My mind is beginning to come around to the idea of getting on with living. I have to for the sake of their grandchild otherwise they'd come back and have words with me!

I miss them.