They've Gone

Let laughter be the light in all this

dark and sadness.

The pilot announced that we had landed at Boston Logan and I cried.

Cried because it was really real that Dad was no longer here. And he was always there. Each time I left for the US he would give me money for the taxi (no arguments) and he'd send me off with a smile and a 'call me when you get there'. I got 'there' and he wasn't there for me to call.

How do I feel now that both Mum and Dad have knocked on the pearly gates? Lost, empty, grateful. When I say 'grateful' I simply mean all that they did for me; providing a warm, loving home, an education, teaching right from wrong.

I know many will say with kindness and good intention that I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter. And I'm not unappreciative of what is mine - a roof over my head and food on the table - it's a lot more than some have; but the fact of the matter is, they/it won't replace my parents. There is a void in my heart that no-one can fill.

I know many have lost their parents, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. However, I feel a particular wrench because it's only been two years since Mum passed away. I was more accepting of Dad's passing, especially when the consultant said "we'll see how he is over the next 48hours." I acknowledged the statement as he wasn't expecting Dad to last much longer.

As I emptied the house of their clothes, mementos, paperwork (oh Lord the paperwork), the home that I grew up in, quickly became a house. I shed tears as I locked the front door as I remembered when I left the UK back in November, I looked at Dad from the car. He sat in his chair and was smiling. And the thought fleeted through my mind, it was the last time I would be seeing him.

So there it is, they've gone. My mind is beginning to come around to the idea of getting on with living. I have to for the sake of their grandchild otherwise they'd come back and have words with me!

I miss them.

In short

I've been pretty busy but a few things happened over the last couple of months...

Pretty Woman
I popped into a local clothes store in Harvard. They have a lovely window display and the clothes are classic and stylish, plus they have beautiful scarves. Having admired the display from the outside for a while I decided to see what other treasures lay inside.

The sales assistant said hello and possibly gave a nervous glance at the Little Miss in the stroller. I took a dress off a rail - shift style, in a dark beige color with several embroidered lines crossing each other over it in shades of beige, orange and brown. It was stunning. The lady started spouting it was made in Italy, hand finished etc. I asked how much - $1,500.

Admittedly my response was somewhat of shock. A $1500 dress in Harvard where the main clientele are students? But who am I to think every student is hard up when each has a Mac laptop and there is a Clinique in the COOP (a clothes/text book specifically for Harvard students)?

Upon hearing my response ("oh wow"), she proceeded to take the dress from my hand and put it back on the rail.

I was quite shocked by her behavior/attitude - especially as I was the only one in the store and didn't see anyone else breaking down the door to get in. There will be a day when I walk back in that store loaded with bags from Gucci, Tiffany and MK and ask "you work on commission right? Big mistake, huge...I have to go now."

Update: The above situation happened a few months ago. Passing by the shop yesterday (June 29) I'm pleased to see the dress in the window - sell many? No? Shocker...

Sing Along
Our library does several free events for toddlers. One of which is to sing various songs - If You're Happy, Baa Baa Black Sheep etc - which I endeavor to take the Little Miss to. It's a great 20 minutes program.

But what bothers/irks me is the small number of parents/caregivers that sit down and look at their phone or take it out during this time. You're the adult who is supposed to be showing the child in your care what movement to make, teach the words of the songs etc. What are they to think when they look at you and see you staring at your phone? Just very sad when we can't seem to spend even a short time interacting with our children.

(If you need to know, I'm normally stood at the back dancing and singing along whilst Missy is running to the front and back (of the room), occasionally joining in with clapping and stomping her feet.)

Crafts
I'm obsessed with knitting and crocheting.

Reading and then reading
I've fallen back in love with the library. I've discovered some great authors and have been reading and just reading. And because I've read so many books (at least 25 in the last few months) I've not even blogged about them. But I'll do a synopsis and share my thoughts 'cause you know, everyone is entitled to hear my opinion.

Pedicures and Toddlers
Just don't mix. (I'll just say that Missy thought the man was attacking mommy which was sweet but not so for the other customers who came in for a relaxing treatment. Thank God I had the i-pad...)

Snow Snow Snow/Now is the winter of our discontent...

November, December even early January the weather was cold, crisp, but no snow. Hubby and I had a conversation where in I said, "ooh, we've been lucky with not having any snow this winter." To which Hubby responded, "you say this every year, we always get some snow around now."

And then the first winter storm headed towards us. I forget the name, let's call it Bob and it dumped a whole load of the white stuff. Before long another one came along, Cousin Sue, and deposited even more. Within two weeks Boston, heck the state of Massachusetts, got a year's worth of snow in that time span.

Two more storms on top of Bob and Cousin Sue, and it's the city's third biggest winter snowfall. And I haven't even mentioned the wind chill. At times stepping out with exposed skin for ten minutes would result in frostbite. That's cold.

Of course there is the usual travel bans and MBTA (tube) stopping services. Can you believe that people have complained? The Governor complained that it was unacceptable that the tube services stopped. Now I get they have a commitment to have some sort of transportation going - people need to get to work - nurses, doctors etc. but surely people have some sort of understanding that just sometimes it's not possible to get things working the way you expect them to be. How can you control the weather?

And then you have the runners. They still get out and about which you either think is admirable or just stupid. I'm erring on the side of stupid; it's icy and paths are cleared but narrow because of the snow banks. I was out with the little miss. She's happily wondering around; I did hear the thuds of a runner behind us, I moved to get said little miss out of the way. Lo and behold, the runner slipped and fell because she wanted to get around us. I was sorry that we may have caused the fall and felt sorry for her but then thought why not just slow down, or stop. Or here's a thought, don't run. Everyone is taking their time getting around mindful of ice and black ice. Having to avoid runners shouldn't be part of the list.

I won't even mention the people who think dress shoes are appropriate footwear, those with hoods on their coats who look frozen to the core yet won't put them up...

Yes I've had enough of the white stuff, Yet I can't help but feel a little bit of excitement when those fluffy flakes flutter silently down to the ground. There is still something quite magical about it, the silence, its beauty. So as much as I'm waiting somewhat impatiently for Spring to arrive, I haven't quite fallen out of love with snow.

The C Word

I'm talking caffeine.

Image: HowStuffWorks.com

Before pregnancy I'd dabble in the stuff - be it a macchiato from Starbucks or a cuppa at home. During, I just ordered a decaf and got decaf teabags. Reading various books on how to have a healthy pregnancy I was disappointed to read that chocolate had the devilish compound and therefore to be eaten moderately (I would like to point out that I'm not a big chocolate fan but hormones etc I had a big craving).

Moving on, the decaffeinate-tion process continued (i.e. consuming as little caffeine as possible) as I breastfed and even when I moved onto only bottles, I continued to have decaf this that and the other.

And then the nights became too much. The seemingly constant waking of a restless, teething, had a bad dream, 'I've got trapped gas' child started to take its toll. I looked in my cupboard at the primrose yellow box before me. Hmm, the Twinings Everyday tea (read: caffeine) was calling to me..."it's only one cup. It will keep you awake for a little longer...just...one...cup..."

I gave in.

Not completely mind you. I still had coffee a la mode so to speak. And I was fine, just fine. Yes I'll admit I was certainly more alert. At the four o'clock lull when my body normally started to shut down and I stared at my precious daughter willing her to take a nap, I was attentive. With a long absence you can certainly notice the difference this substance can have.

I was amazed to find myself happy to read 'Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?' for the fourth time within half an hour, say calmly for the 50th time, 'don't eat that' and for the 60th time 'leave the remote alone my love'. None of it phased me. Eleven o'clock (pm) rolls around and I haven't fallen asleep on the couch. Wow, that's some stimulant.

And that's when I realize that caffeine is a necessary evil. If I'm to avoid falling asleep whilst still standing up, I need it. I've tried to keep away from it. But in my excitement over the return of Pumpkin Spice lattes, I forgot to mention 'decaf' in my list of 'tall, extra hot, non-fat blah, blah, blah' requirements and upped my intake. 'Oh bother' as Pooh says.

So I'm up to two cups of caffeine a day now and I'm glad to say it's no more than that, so far. I'm staying strong to sticking to only those two cups...and awake...very awake...

Advice to My Daughter

An article in The Times (London) made me stop and think. It asked four different women what advice they would give to their daughter and it made me ask the same question of myself. What pieces of knowledge would I pass on to the Little Miss? There is the usual get a good education, decent job and a nice man etc but then there's also...

To my sweet girl

My advice is plentiful. Take it and make with it what you will. After all, the world and your own experiences of it will give you lots to think about and what I'm saying here right now may not have any bearing on how your life is going. But nonetheless, it's a mother's right to divulge her opinions...

I could mention all those things that you should say on subjects such as relationships, work, being zen, etc etc but I'm far too practical. So here goes:
1. Clean your face of make-up each night (should you wear the stuff) and smooth moisturiser on in an upwards movement. No need to intentionally drag your face down, gravity is doing that already.
2. Listen to music everyday and any kind. I'm going to stop at thrash though...Be it Debussy or Eminem music can make you feel better, less sad/angry, a lot happier and calmer. With the right song the problem you faced is a little more bearable, the love you feel greater.
3. Read, read, read. From the 'get your vaccination here' sign at the pharmacy to Homer's The Iliad. You never know when it will come in handy.
4. Scream, cry or hug it out any or all of these things when the situation calls for them - they help cleanse the soul.
5. Laughter really is the best medicine. There are moments to take things seriously otherwise, always try and have a giggle.
6. It's okay to judge others, just know that you'll be judged too. Whether for the color of your skin, your gender or how you wear your hair, there's someone who will have something to say about it.
7. Wear perfume everyday - the real stuff.
8. Take a moment to sit and just be. Right now we're living in a technology fuelled world, with one eye on a screen. Only the Lord knows what it will be like when you're in your teens and older. So, every now and then, just switch everything off, breathe and listen to the silence.
9. Always keep a little of your childhood innocence with you as you get older. It's okay to still love your pop idol that you had when you were a teenager, enjoy a Disney film (or two), crunch leaves and splash in puddles. I still do and it reminds me that the world is actually a great place.
10. Never be afraid to ask a question even if you feel embarrassed to do it, no-one has all the answers and there will be a few that are grateful you stood up and said, "Can I just ask..?"

And so before I go any further (you know how I can ramble) just remember that wherever the path you take leads, I'm here (and your father) no matter what; but if you need a handout, I'd stick to the Bank of Dad...I'm more the Bank of Crafts, Cake and Cuddles - although your Dad gives fantastic hugs too!

I love you (even when/if you go through a Goth and 'I hate you..you don't understand me (sob)!' phase).

A Year Later...

I still can't believe that Mum got her wings a year ago.

When I started to make notes about my post I realized that it was all a bit sad, bordering on depressing. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly sad about Mum not being here. I still long to hear her voice, to get the call where she has to share her latest joke.

And that's when I reminded myself that Mum loved to laugh and have a laugh. In the last few years her life was really quite unhappy with being so ill and jokes, yes even the naff ones, made her giggle and gave some light relief.

So I figured, I could lament about the feeling of loss and how I don't really look at the picture of Mum that is on my coffee table too much because it causes my heart to ache. No, instead I figured July 1st is not just a day of remembrance but a chance to celebrate the life of a woman who:

• made me laugh
• made me appreciate the written word
• told me to use my common-sense
• wound me up
• tried my patience
• made me cry 
• I enjoyed hugging
• strive and achieve to become a published author
• taught me the Beatitudes
• I envied and admired her natural artistic abilities
• who ultimately pushed me to be a better person and achieve more than she did

So as much as her absence has left a hole in my heart, I'll always be grateful for what she taught me...as well as not being able to teach the Little Miss bad habits and then hand her back to me (something she promised to do with her grandchildren)!

Thanks Mum xx

"Before the merriment of commencement commences..."

The spring rain had watered the hallowed grounds of Harvard and up sprang marquees of various sizes. Ah yes Commencement was here once again.

Taking an alternative route through Harvard Law campus, as they were busy setting up cameras and podiums, we squeezed past the growing line of students with their mortar boards and gowns chattering eagerly to each other.

I was very excited for them, I have no idea why. It was lovely seeing their faces of anticipation, family members clicking away, friends chatting and posing for yet more photographs before they were called up to shake the Dean's hand and take their seat and listen to Mr. Bloomberg give an inspiring speech.

As we ambled along I said to Hubby that I would love to attend a commencement even it's just to heckle a "woo-hoo, well done!" Hubby said they send out tickets they'd know I didn't belong. But I argued, what if I were to wear a professors hat and gown? I'd fit in no problem. I'd just shake their hands saying "congratulations, now the hard work starts." or I'd quote Four Weddings and grasp the hands of the parents and gush, "congratulations, you must be so proud!"

As Hubby hurried me away from the throngs lest I tap one of the students and give them a congratulatory hug, I'm reminded (by Hubby dearest) that that so called 'hard work' they're destined for is softened by the six figure salary they'll all be starting on. Hmm, good point...